Conversations with Myself

I feel frozen.  Paralyzed by the overwhelming sensation of “where do I begin”?   Mentally paralyzed to the point that just sitting here typing this was a serious, serious effort on my part just to begin the activity.

The thoughts won’t slow down enough to put the  pieces together.  My kids won’t shut up long enough for me to have a complete thought let alone complete the many thoughts that are happening almost simultaneously.  Like they are chasing each other around my brain.

I feel panicky.  I’m taking my pulse but I can’t remember how to calculate the pulse.  The rhythmic pumping of my vein feels odd under my fingertips but not alarmingly fast.  Still, I think a Xanax is in order.  It helps with the sensation that I’m about to jump out of my skin.

In the past 30 minutes I’ve had to get up at least 5 times to keep kids on homework.  Breaks the flow of concentration.

I made a stop on the way home from work.  A small building on the outer road of the highway.  Once the building was a gas station but had been converted into a gold buying shop. I had been there once before to sell a men’s ring I had found in the street.  I assume it was thrown out a car in the heat of argument or what have you.  Today I was there to sell my own things.  One ring was a marquee design of stacking tiny diamond chips that my mother had given me for one of my birthdays or perhaps a Christmas. I never liked it.  More prongs than anything else.  A thin gold band with an oval sapphire with two tiny diamond chips. It never looked right on my hand.  Too small.  A marquee sapphire ring I bought myself with one of my first paychecks, over twenty years ago.  Diamond stud earrings.  Again very tiny. A small solitaire ring.  Only would fit my pinky which just never was comfortable.  That’s the piece I now feel sick over losing. I only got $145 for the lot.  At the time it made sense, I know I bounced a check to the daycare today, unintentionally but still. At least the check is covered.  Of course they’ll be about $70 or $80 dollars in fees now between my bank and the daycare.  And god knows what other repercussions from them.  Now I feel robbed and I’m glad I kept what I did.  I still haven’t taken the Xanax, the kids kept getting me up and down.  Now I really feel panicky.  Desperate times.

I need to start photographing and adding things to my Ebay inventory.  We need to sell everything that isn’t nailed down.  First thing a Mickey Mouse watch my father gave him that has never left the gift box.  He doesn’t wear watches but for some reason has three or four.  I will list them all.  First I need to download the Ebay app.

Why is there an app for everything?  There are so many you can’t count them all.  There are too many choices.  Too many choices is something that gives me the paralysing feeling also.

I just can’t do this.

Why not you’re doing fine.

Fine?  I’m not fine.  We’re in bankruptcy.  We had no choice the medical bills were ridiculous. Dammit!  Interrupted by kid again.  I can’t, okay deep breaths… If we’re not careful we’ll mess up our bankruptcy plan.  I just don’t know how to talk to him about this without tripping the bi-polar switch that leads to the dark side.  And I let it happen.  I let the papers just stack up around me.  There’s so many papers.  And the emails.  I barely read the emails because there are so many junky ones to wade through.  You can’t buy anything without some company emailing you forever after.  It takes forever to  unsubscribe to them.

And the school sends like a hundred papers home per kid, per week, in addition to emails from the principal, school board, orchestra teacher, home room teachers, librarian, PTO and a partridge in a pear tree.  How do normal people do it?

Aren’t you normal?

No! Obviously not.  Otherwise everyone would be in my situation.  my situation is not the “norm”.  Nor is my brain.  I can’t explain calculating volume to my child in a way that he will understand it because my brain won’t let me. I can barely remember how to do it.  I never need to calculate the volume of anything.  What seems perfectly obvious to me is not obvious to him.  It’s a flipping multiple choice question and he will not see the correlation to the problem underneath it.  He will not see that they just don’t leave off the correct answer in the multiple choice format.  And he keeps breaking my train of thought.  I am so pissed off right now and I don’t even know why and I can’t get through to him and it is making me crazy.

I just served bread topped with tomato sauce, Italian seasoning and cheese for dinner.  Baked it for 10 minutes and called it homemade pizza.

I’ve got a vegetable garden to plant so I can trim the food bill.  A house to clean from top to bottom.  Right now siding is falling away from the side of my house.  Underneath I can see the old wood siding.  We have new siding pieces to fix the problem but we need a second body to swing a hammer whilst on the ladder.  I don’t do ladders.  We can’t afford the deductible on the homeowners policy so we wait for a friend to become available.  The retaining wall we’re building in front of the house is sitting unfinished because I can’t afford more bricks at present.

Why don’t you quit smoking, save some money there?

Have you ever tried to quit smoking.  Smoking calms me down.  Makes me feel sane for a short while.  Right now that is worth the expense.  Doctors bills are piling up, not sure if I can afford next months prescriptions.  Smoking is self medicating.  It could be worse I could be drinking.

I’ve been giving up high fructose corn syrup.  But I’ve also been losing by fasting sort of.  I drink a lot of water and tea.  I’m eating about one high calorie meal mid day or just some bread and milk.  Mostly because I want to make sure the boys are fed properly before I eat.  I’m about to give in to the sweet fizzy taste of Wild Cherry Pepsi though.  I’m hoping it will ease the stress.

I could really use some chocolate right now.

Sometimes I wish I were totally deaf so I could block out all the distracting noises.  The four year old won’t eat the pizza toast.  Lucky for him there are two slices of american cheese and still enough bread for a sandwich. Payday is Friday.  We can make it.  We just have to be creative.  Mmmm  Pepsi.  I remember before kids, sometimes I would just cook all the random stuff I could find in the fridge and pantry.  So there would be meals like corn bread, corn, au gratin potatoes and whatever else I could find.  It’s getting to that point.

I’m starting to get a bit hungry.  There are dishes to do and I should do a load of laundry.  And I should bake something for tomorrow’s breakfast.  A piece of bread, a glass of milk and a spoonful of honey sounds good.

Yes it was good.

I really need to do the taxes.  I really need to write that book. I need to clean the house.  I need to make extra money. God I’m so tired. I just caved on cello practicing.

I really don’t want to bake right now. I have a long day ahead of me at work tomorrow.  It will go fast.  We’re having a cookout so at least my lunch is covered.

At minimum I’m going to have to do some laundry.  I have to wear a team shirt tomorrow.

Try and focus.

I don’t want to focus, I want to watch TV and veg out.

Isn’t that what put you in this situation?

Shut up.  You don’t understand.  Being mesmerized by the story on the TV or in a book, it’s the only time I feel relaxed.  The rest of the time I am continuously on edge. Like now.

You can only block out the world for so long you know.

Oh really?  Well the way I figure it, if we are all part of the one consciousness and this life is all a dream,  then the world does not really exist. So what does it matter what I do or when I die if it doesn’t exist in the first place?  That’s what gnaws at me.  The ridiculousness of this reality.  There is nothing that makes sense.  Not really.  Not in the grand scheme of the universe where you a mere speck of star dust in an infinite ocean of black.

 

It’s the next evening now. I’ve been home almost two hours but haven’t been able to accomplish much, a little editing.  I’ve most likely alienated my audience by asking for their spare change.

I’m going to put off the taxes until Saturday.  After a 10 hour day like today I am just not in the mood.  I work the same shift tomorrow.  I want to put the boys to bed early so I can go to bed.  At the same time I don’t want to go to sleep.  I want to watch TV and veg out.  Not think about anything for like an hour.  My back is killing me.  It’s only 8:30.  I have to be at work in a little less than 12 hours.

You should lie down.

I’m going to lie down.

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Filed under Depression

Hey Buddy Can You Spare A Dime?

That’s what they used to say  during the Great Depression.  A dime.  Can you actually buy anything with a dime today?  A Tootsie Roll midgie maybe.  Just one.

Still, it all adds up I suppose.

I’m going to put that theory to the test.  That it all adds up I mean.

Let’s call it a social experiment.  Could you spare a dime?  Or you know whatever you have in your couch cushions or underneath the seat of your car? We’ll call it a fair trade for all the laughs we’ve had together.  I’m opening my virtual musical instrument case and laying it in front of me for you to throw in your coins.

You can help support my desire to pay all my bills and eat, by sending your dimes to madamfickle@gmail.com via PayPal.  Yep I’m totally serious.

Send me your dimes, your two cents or that nickel you just found on the ground.  If you have a friend who has a dime that they could spare you might mention to them that I could use one or two.

Let’s just sit back and see what happens.

Madam, pray tell, what are you going to do with all these dimes?

Full Disclosure: If you do send me a dime it will go into my bank account to become part of my bill paying account.  It will not be used for charity.  Any dimes sent to me will be spent at my discretion.

I thought about telling my whole sob story of financial strain, but it’s not very amusing or entertaining in the least.  I thought it would be much more fun to see how many people actually pitch in a dime to help their fellow human in need.

Don’t worry, I’m not holding my breath.  But I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.

So hey,  I’d just like to say thank you in advance to anyone who does pass on their spare change.  You’re super awesome!

 

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Vicious Circles

I am my own worst enemy. Aren’t we all. I’m an addict, I freely admit it. That’s the first step they say. Who ever “they” are.

You say to yourself, well I’m just going to do it this once. I just want to see what it’s all about.  That’s how it starts, before you know it you’ve watched 4 seasons of Sister Wives in 4 days.  It’s the psychology of the thing that hooks you and draws you in.  Irresistable, like a traffic accident.  I can get past the polygamy, I mean to each their own, whatever floats your boat dude.  It works for them.  It’s the Book of Mormon that I can’t get past.  I mean they seem like logical people, completely sane.  I just don’t get it.

Anyway, curse you Netflix!!! It’s a love hate thing.  First rule, don’t watch a series if you don’t have a serious amount of time to devote to it in the next few days.  It will suck away , well all the time you have, and then some.  If I need a fix, I try to stick with a documentary.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that you can easily detach yourself from that either.  Damn you too Wikipedia!  Between Netflix and Wikipedia I learned 1500 years of British Monarchy from inception to present in just a few days.  To sum it up quickly, for the most part, if they didn’t like who was in charge they killed each other until someone new took over as long as that person was a blood relative of the last person in charge.  Distant relatives were okay, even if they were from other countries.  That of course could get tensions up at time,s but as long as everyone stayed Catholic it was cool until Henry met Anne and blah blah blah, C of E.  But of course all the Kings and Queens were of course manipulated by anyone and everyone around them who could bend a royal ear. Just like our Presidents here in America only with more murder and inbreeding.  Anyway check that shit out, it’s way more interesting than real housewives or people from New Jersey. Or Mormons.

For instance, I learned that James I of England, successor to Elizabeth I the Virgin Queen, is the very same King James of the King James Bible.  Only the most popular Bible ever.  King James financed the mass printing of the Bible in English.  For the first time, anyone who could read would know what it said and understand what they were praying for.  The people became literate just to read it.  That is how he changed the face of the world and why we still remember his name 500 plus years later.  I also learned that he was openly bi-sexual, the Duke of Buckingham being his “male favorite” and he ruled for almost 58 years, longer than any of his predecessors.  Yeah you did read that right.  58 years is a long time to be King.

I also saw a documentary about the finding the skeletal remains of Richard III under a parking lot, specifically under a parking spot marked “R”.  You can’t make this stuff up people.  Well you can, but in this case that is what actually happened.  Trippy.

Unrelated to the British Monarchy I learned that there was a “Pope Joan”.  Yep, Joan disguised herself as a monk and rose through the ranks up to Pope.  If I remember correctly she reigned as Pope for about 3 years until, during a routine papal parade, she fell from her horse and gave birth to a child in the street revealing to the parade goers that she was in fact a woman.  Then they beat her and the child to death in the street. “They” being the “Christians”.

Religious people are silly.

These past few days I’ve been learning about the pyramids, and the sphinx.  Did you know that across the street from the Great Pyramids of Giza is a Kentucky Fried Chicken?  It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.  I wish I could unlearn it.

You can learn a lot from documentaries. I recently learned President Herbert Hoover called the Bush Family out on being bankers for the Nazi’s in his personal correspondence with W’s grandfather.  Yeah, that Bush family.

You can learn a lot by looking around and observing.  Today I learned that the USA PATRIOT act was signed into law October 26, 2001.  That is only 1,2,..17…45 days. Forty Five, days after 9/11.  The government never does anything that fast.  45 days is, I’m going to say is suspiciously fast, you know when you’re talking about our government.  I mean, let’s be honest.

Politics.  What can you do?

You can vote.  Well, if you’re in a country that allows voting.  I think I figured out why people gave up on voting in the States.  The main reason is the Electoral College.  Your presidential vote means nothing.  The Electoral College elects the president and those votes are bought and paid for with money or favors or whatnot.

But Madam, doesn’t the Electoral College represent this level of government which represents that level of government which represents that level and so on and so forth until it gets down to me and my vote?

Why yes, I mean I guess.  I really don’t remember much from grade school but that seems to be the jist of how the whole thing works.  So where did we go wrong?  We stopped voting at the local level.  I know that I myself am more detached from the outside world more than most but I think I’m still a pretty average citizen when it comes to politics.  Just shut up and handle it already will you so the rest of us don’t have to think about it.  I’ve decided that approach doesn’t work anymore.  There was a local election today.  I have no idea how many things were voted on. I know there is a proposition that somebody wanted me to vote no on enough to put up some signs about it along my drive home from work.  Someone whose name I can’t remember wanted to be Mayor of something.  And I believe I saw some signs about school boards.

Even though I’ve been a taxpayer for decades, I never have paid attention to politics.  Mostly because my family is polarized with my sisters at one end of the spectrum and my father at the other.  He gave my sons a book by Rush Limbaugh for this past Christmas.  Did you know Rush Limbaugh wrote children’s books? Yeah, yeah he does.

I want to start my own party called the Reasonable party or we could call it the Common Sense party you know, whatever.   Remember “less is more”.  It applies to almost all situations.  I learned that from Lara Flynn Boyle in Poltergeist III as she was putting on her eyeliner right before she was possessed by the Poltergeist.  I can’t be quite sure since I haven’t seen the film for a few decades, but it left an impression.

So I’ve been procrastinating writing for many months now.  I’m sorry, I missed you too.  It wasn’t you, it was me.

What started out as research into how the Fundamentalist Christians are slowly but surely taking over the government by making sure they vote at every possible election starting with school boards and the like, turned somehow into an obsession for growing vegetables from seed to urban farming to Sherlock, Poirot, and Miss Marple and all things criminal in nature.  I wrote a letter to a murder on death row but I didn’t send it because I haven’t rented a PO Box for a return address yet.  I thought I might write a book about his story.  Vampires told him to do it or he thinks he’s a vampire, something like that.

Serial killers.  It’s the psychology of the thing that hooks you, and like a wreck on the side of the road you get mesmerized.  Still working on the gardening, still not writing. Just one more documentary because you know if you’re learning something you can justify it.  8 months later and you know way more than you ever wanted to know about the Brown family and their 17 children.  I could probably rattle off almost all of the kids names too, it’s a disease.  You just can’t stop watching.  I’m considering taking bets as to when this generation of reality child stars become the next Lohan/Cyrus/Bieber insert sob story here.

PAUSE!  Have you noticed that Cyrus and Bieber look remarkably alike.  Like spooky alike.  Have they ever been seen together in the same time at the same place?  And what happen to that Bieber deportation plan, because I would actually leave my house to vote for that.  Can we deport Cyrus too?  When did white trash become what we paid money to see?  America you are making the white trash rich.  Boo!  And they are evading their taxes with loopholes just like the rest of the rich.  I only throw that in because I’ve also been procrastinating doing my taxes. Why just by writing this post I’ve successfully put off my taxes another night.

Have you ever seen a US Federal Tax Refund Check for over $750,000.00?  I have.  It wasn’t mine, but I held it in my hand for a while, as I silently cursed it’s payee with very very unladylike language.  That was their refund.  I can only imagine how much they actually paid or didn’t pay by way of loophole.  Do you know how many years you would have to work to make $750,000.00?  It would take me over 21 years, pretax.  Yeah, I hate tax season.

So to sum up:

Religion is a facade which helps humans overcome their fear of death.

Politics is all about power and ownership and slavery until we change it by voting good people who have actual common sense into the school board, which rolls up good karma until it reaches the top of the food chain; ie the presidency or insert your top government office here.

Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus may in fact be the same person.

“Less is more” applies to almost every situation.

And finally,  income tax is unconstitutional given that the law to enforce paying it was never actually ratified.  The government never actually made it a law.  Technically.  True Story.

For Realz.

 

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Filed under Humor

Where did we go wrong?

What happened to us earth?  Remember the good old days when girls who stripped themselves naked for entertainment were considered whores and shunned by society?  Now we pay them millions of dollars, treat them like gods and make them household names.  What are we doing to ourselves? Ignore the attention seekers, you have better things to do with your time.

Now I’m not a prude by any means.  Nor am I really a fan of shunning people.  But there’s a time and a place for displaying the base animal nature that lay inside oneself, there is never a time in a public place where it should be acceptable to do so.  The time for doing so is when you are alone with your lover.  Who else really has a need to see that side of you?  Your body is a temple for your partner to worship.  To share the most intimate parts of your physical being with everyone on the planet hardly makes it special for your significant other.  The heat of passion is intensified in knowing that only you have explicit access to your partner, not to be shared with anyone else.  A private bond, a partner to share your innermost fantasies with.

More importantly, why have we made certain people ridiculously wealthy for our amusement?  That’s right, we are paying people to join the 1% club because they amuse and entertain us?  Not just entertainers but designers, restauranteurs, and all sorts of business owners.  Why?  What is so important that you spend what little you have to make other people wealthy?  What do certain stores have to offer you that you cannot get somewhere else for less?  If the overhead costs of something were so high as to justify the prices we pay for things, the rich would not keep getting richer.

Do you need a designer label, a second home, a boat of your own?  Do we not have a responsibility to the segment of humanity that is suffering because of the inequality we bring on ourselves?  Yes, we bring it on ourselves.  The moment you agree to pay a ridiculous mark up for a good or service, especially one you don’t need for your survival, you are helping the rich get richer and the poor get poorer by driving prices up.  Have you forgotten that a need is something you require to survive, food, shelter, clothing, love, etc?  Everything else is a want.

Why do we continually pollute the planet with our desire for excess?

You require transportation?  How much?  Does your lifestyle really require a vehicle to be at your beckon call?  If not why aren’t you choosing public transportation.

What was that about teaching a man to fish instead of just giving him a fish?

If you grow plants in your house for decoration, why not choose plants that are edible, medicinal, sustainable?

What are you feeding your body?  Look at the list of ingredients on the nearest food or drink label.  I’ll wait.  How many words were you able to recognize and or pronounce?  Does it the item resemble any food or drink found in nature?

What is wrong with your natural beauty that you need to pay a hairstylist hundreds of dollars to color your hair or chemically alter it?  Look at the labels of your beauty or personal care products.  How many ingredients do you recognize?  How many ingredients are found in nature?

What are the side effects of the chemicals that you are putting on your skin and in your body? Do you know?  Do you care? Water, milk, juice (100% juice from a 100% plant), coffee and tea or a beverage with a strong enough chemical composition to dissolve nails and remove battery acid? (That would be Coca-Cola folks.)

Do you need an expensive home, expensive furniture? How many rooms do you actually need to live comfortably?  Isn’t it more important to humanity as a whole that everyone has a comfortable place to live and sleep instead of you having a game room, a workout room, and a closet just for shoes?

Look around yourself right now.  Take a good long look.  I’ll wait.

What is in the room with you?  Clothes?  Are clothes important protection for your skin, yes.  Do those clothes need to be made by a certain manufacturer, do they need to be elaborate or decadent to achieve the goal of protecting your skin?  No, no they don’t.  They just need to be practical for daily use.  So why are you paying ridiculous amounts of money for designer names or ridiculous embellishments?  Wouldn’t your resources be better spent on something useful?  What else is in your room?  A giant TV?  How much of your life is spent watching that TV?  I personally have wasted countless hours of my life watching other people’s stories while, I  procrastinated living my own life.  Imagine if you only used the TV to learn new things?  How knowledgeable could you have been by now with the amount of your life already spent watching TV if you had only been watching documentaries and learning programs?

What is in the room with you right now that is essential to your health and well being?  No really.  What is each objects function?  Does it serve a purpose?  Is it useful?  You can’t take any of these objects that you have surrounded yourself with you to the next life.

What tasks in your life do you pay others to perform that you can do yourself?  I replaced my own laptop keyboard in less than five minutes after watching a free how to video on YouTube.  A service someone else wanted to charge me $75.00 for.  So my cost was only for the part, which I purchased directly from the manufacturer.  I have no electronics training, but I do have a brain.

“Convenience products” aren’t very convenient if using them or owning them results in poisoning of the body, or destabilizing the economy.

Let’s not for get the definition of economy: “1.Thrift management; frugality in the expenditure or consumption of money, materials, etc. 2. an act or means of thrifty saving; a saving 3. the management of the resources of a community, country,etc., especially with a view to its productivity. 4. the prosperity or earnings of a place 5. the disposition or regulation of the parts or functions of any organic whole; an organized system or method. 6. the efficient, sparing, or concise use of something” (According to Dictionary.com)

Does that definition even sound like what we’re doing with our planets resources?  Not remotely.

Shouldn’t we all be looking to the future survival of our species, our planet?  In other words the big picture. People were here thousands of years before you were born.  Wouldn’t you like people to be here thousands of years from now? I think we can get back to basics, and use technology at the same time. Shouldn’t all humans have access to basic human needs?  What makes one tribe more deserving than another? Nothing. No human is more deserving than another human.

At the end of the day, what is your contribution to humanity?  What have you done for society?  Is the work that you do necessary to the survival of the species?  If not why are you doing it? To pay the bills, I get it.  I do. But I feel I have a responsibility to help make the world better. Life is hard, most days I can’t stand being alive but, I want to have something to show for my life when it’s over.  I want to make a difference.

We are related you and I.  We are related because we are both human.  Our most basic needs are the same.  Individuality can be achieved without the oppression of other humans.

We don’t have to agree to get along.  We agree to disagree and then we put our differences aside and work toward the greater good.  Does that not align with your belief system?  If not, why not?  Are you better than other humans?  How do you figure that exactly?

The universe is 13.8 billion years old.  You only get about 100 years.  A blink of an eye really when you put it into perspective.  How will you spend your life?  Will you use your time for the greater good or will you make a public spectacle of yourself for the depraved masses?  Are you one of the depraved masses?  Your life matters only if you make it matter.  What actions will you take today to make a difference? Will you be remembered for what your gave to humanity or will you just fade into the background like so many others.

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Filed under Existentialism

Mommy, you have a big butt!

“Thanks. Four. Thank you.”  I said as I cupped my hands over my mouth, to keep from laughing, or crying, and rested my elbows on my knees.

“See” he said barging into the bathroom. “See” he said as he hovered his hand down my back to my exposed rump, as I was sitting on the commode at the time. “See, how it goes like, and then curves.  It’s big. I have a little butt, you have a big butt.” he laughed.  And then to prove his point, he turned round and dropped trow, mooning me with his admittedly much smaller butt.

He also burst in on me last Friday evening whilst I was changing out of my work clothes and announced that my underpants were big.  He may have said huge.

Granny panties are comfy.  I like comfy.  A thong may be sexy, but it’s kinda like a wedgie that won’t quit really.  Not, not practical for everyday wear.  If you don’t want a panty line, just go commando. Say no to the wedgie!  Comfort first!

I need a drink.

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Filed under Humor

I crack myself up sometimes..

image

I got into a fight with my mother a couple of weeks ago and afterwards posted this sign in the window. It’s not related to the fight in any way, it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. Maybe I just needed to laugh.

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Filed under Humor

“There’s a guy in the drive up with a check for $5,000,000.00.”

“Ask him how he wants it back. It’ll be hilarious, trust me.” was my response. She wouldn’t say it. What ever Ashley.  Her name wasn’t really Ashley. In this case I’m not trying to protect anyone, I really can’t remember the girl’s name. Ridiculous girl, wore spike heals and long pants. She tripped one day, and broke both elbows. Elbows. Both. You really can’t put a cast on that kind of thing.

So, yeah, true story. I’ve been working in retail banking since 1997. I’ve seen checks for all kinds of amounts, including Federal Tax Refunds for close to $750,000.00. (That’s a rant for a different day.) I’ve seen my share of counterfeit checks and notes. I’ve seen currency from all over the world. Some notes are real works of art. Beautiful stuff.

We cannot accept foreign coins at the bank so the customer either keeps it as a souvenir or it goes in the trash. Trashing it seems silly to me, so I bring it home for my kids to play with when it gets left in the coin machine. I’m building up a little collection.

I’ve also gotten to sign checks for over a million dollars and I’ve sat in a room many times counting sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash.  I like to count the money.         Don’t judge me.

Side note:

People, when you visit the bank we’d really appreciate it if you could remember the following:

1.  Don’t let your pets roll around on the money.  When we run the bills through the bill counter the pet hair just flies everywhere.  It’s pretty gross.  And some of us have allergies okay.

2. Strippers, please dry the money out  by laying it flat on your counter before bringing in the bills.  Really.  The wet money jams up the bill counter.

3. We can smell the weed on the money.  You’re not fooling anyone Timmy.  Your either, Mr. Davis.

4. When we ask you how you would like the cash back, please don’t say “green”.  Firstly, we hear it a million times a day.  We’re kind of past the laughing stage  on that joke.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings with a fake laugh.  Secondly, American money isn’t all green anymore.  So…..you know……it’s not really an appropriate response, is it.

5. Old people, we NEED to ID you.  It’s for your protection.  So just give us a break okay.  If I hear “You don’t need to see my ID! I’ve been banking at this bank longer than you’ve been alive!” one more time, I may punch someone in the face.  I see at least 100 people in a day it takes me a while to get to know all the names.  And a bank teller makes little more than a fast food employee so please keep that in mind when you complain about turnover.  Do you get upset when you don’t recognize the cashier at McDonald’s?  You are probably visiting the McDonald’s too much then.

We had an old man call the police on us a few months ago because we wouldn’t let him in to his safe deposit box without documenting an acceptable form of ID.  See the thing is Gramps, if your signature doesn’t match that contract 100% and the ID has not been properly documented, I get fired.  FIRED.  So yeah, not breaking that policy for you.  Sorry.  And furthermore, the more you make a fuss about showing your ID, the more suspicious you look.  Young criminals age and die just like the rest of us.  I’m pretty sure most criminals don’t retire.  That’d be too boring.

The old man asked the police why they sent 3 officers.  “Well, when there is a disturbance at a bank sir, we take that very seriously.”   He was genuinely surprised that the officers were on our side.  You can’t make this shit up people.

6. You can’t sign your spouses name.  That’s forgery.  The preacher may say the two become one, but that does not apply to banking folks.

Also, you can’t just endorse a check and give it to your buddy to cash because you owe him money.  The bank needs to document your ID to prove its your signature.  We’ll do it for spouses if you’re on a joint account together, but if you and your spouse have separate accounts it’s a no go.  You are keeping your money separate for a reason, which is none of our business.  So don’t yell at us, you set up the account that way.

7. Despite popular opinion, WE DO NOT PRINT THE MONEY AT THE BANK.  And we’re only allowed to keep a certain amount on hand for two reasons  A.  Robberies.  Kind of a no brainer, and B. If the money is sitting in the bank, then it’s not making money for the bank.  So kindly call ahead instead of waltzing in and expecting to receive $400,000.00 in cash.  Seriously, if you need more than 3 or 4 large you really do need to call ahead.  Thanks.

8. Please don’t wait for the bank to open by staking us out in the parking lot.  Nor should you take a nap in the back seat of your car, while you wait for us to open.  We’re not a regular business, okay.  We have security procedures we have to follow.  If you’re in our parking lot too early or too late, we’re gonna call the cops.  Them’s the rules.  (I know it’s not proper grammar, let it go.)

9. Please do not yell at your teller over fees.  It’s ultimately your responsibility to know how much money you have spent.  For goodness sake, you’re embarrassing yourself.  Seriously, everyone is staring, you should probably go home now.  Your mother raised you better than that.  Ha, remind me to tell you about the time a grown man threatened my employees in an inappropriate manner when leaving.  When the man returned to the bank later that day with his 80-year-old mother, the police were waiting there for him.  They informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not to visit our branch again.  When you’re a grown man and the police scold you in front of your 80-year-old mother, well I think that would be an awkward predicament to be in.

10. A Bank is not a non-profit government agency.  We have fees because it costs money to run a business.  I am not a robot and I have a family to feed.  So please stop complaining about checking not being free.  You don’t expect to have your car serviced for free right?  Not everything is electronic. Ultimately at the end of the day the actual currency physically does have to move from place to place folks and that costs money.  If someone gives you a check from a bank that you don’t bank with, from a state that you don’t live in, are you going to drive to that state to cash the check?  No.  You probably wouldn’t want to have to do that.  Basically, that’s what we’re doing for you.  And you know gas is expensive these days.

I guess that was a bit more than a side note.  Just remember to be kind to your bank teller,  they themselves did not cause the worlds financial crisis.  They have rules and laws to follow.  Lots of rules and laws.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  We really can be fired, fined and imprisoned for breaking those rules and laws.  And those rules and laws are constantly changing, thanks to tax payers like you.  So don’t assume that you know them all m’kay.  And in return I won’t tell you how to do your job. Thank you. Thank you so much.

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Filed under Humor

Off With His Head!

So if I understand this correctly, from what I read at the Associated Press, during a soccer game in Brazil today, the referee stabbed and killed a soccer player and then the soccer players family and friends stoned the referee to death. They had the body drawn and quartered and then they decapitated it and impaled the head on a spike. Not a movie special effect. A real body, a human body, torn apart.

It’s soccer. You know, the game where you kick the ball into a goal. Key word there, game. I’m sure there was probably more to it than soccer or at least I hope there was.

Do you know what being stoned to death means? It means someone threw a rock at the guy and everyone just kept beating him with rocks until he died. Do you think you could take a rock and bludgeon someone to death with it? Could you live with yourself?

The guy was dead already. That wasn’t enough for these people. They literally ripped the man from limb to limb. That’s what quartered means. They separated the body into quarters. (Four parts for those of you who are slow.) How angry do you have to be to rip someone limb from limb? How angry do you have to be to desecrate a corpse? To decapitate a man who was once a living breathing human and impale his head on a spike for others to see in the middle of a soccer stadium. We’re not talking about one person here, we are talking angry mob with pitchforks. They didn’t actually have pitchforks, but you get the drift. Not from a book. True Story.

Aren’t these vigilantes just as bad as the referee who murdered their friend?

Are we in the middle ages? This happened today. TODAY.

Fellow Earthlings. We need to start asking ourselves the hard questions here. Questions we should have been asking ourselves all along. I don’t care who or what your god is. I don’t care if you don’t believe in a god. I find it quite hard to believe in a higher power when I hear stories like this. The whole notion of a god is supposed to keep people from acting like this, isn’t that right? Be good, or god’s going to get you?

No matter if you believe in everlasting damnation or not, what’s important is how we treat one another in this life. Right here and now. And when someone does something unthinkable to someone we love, we have to be better than that person. We need to remove that person so that they don’t hurt anyone else yes, but we shouldn’t betray our own values in the process.

It’s simple folks. Hurting other people is wrong. Period. The end. Physically, emotionally, financially, whatever. You learned this in pre-school, remember? Hurting other people to satisfy your own needs is wrong and you know it. Everyone knows it. Those who don’t know it, or know it and don’t care should be removed from society in a humane way. People who are readily capable of murder obviously need psychiatric care.

What kind of person will you be toward your fellow man tomorrow? Are you a savage creature? Or have you evolved from a feral beast into an intellectual being? We forget that humans are still animals. Some not as advanced as the rest of the species, clearly.

Think about who you are. Are you the best human you can be? Are you the best because you worked hard and played fair or did you step on others and play dirty to get where you are? In a hundred years we’ll all be dead. None of this world that we live in will matter anymore. Think big picture people. What can you do? How can you make your mark? Will you do something great for the people of this world? Share your knowledge by leaving a book behind or passing your craft down through your children. Will you help the helpless or stand by and watch as the animals kill each other and the predators prey upon the weak? Will you do the right thing when your moment comes and everything you are is tested?

If someone stabbed my loved one in front of me in a senseless act of violence I can’t say what I’d do, but I’d like to think that I am a better person than someone who would take a human life.

If we are ever going to have peace in this world we need to get along. I tell my children constantly, you’re going to have to live in this house together for at least 9 more years until Nine becomes Eighteen and can live where he wants.

Well humans, you are going to have to live together for the rest of your lives. So you might as well learn to get along.

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Filed under Existentialism

How I became Madam Fickle

I know what your thinking. You’re thinking madam because I’m a married woman (or just very formal) and fickle because of the, you know, fickleness. Wrong.

It was my senior year of college and the theatre department was holding the annual general auditions. How it works is you memorize two monologues, one current, one classical, to deliver to theater full of directors who have projects for the year, not all the projects for the whole year, but the big ones. All of the main roles for the shows were pretty much cast from these auditions.

I’m a nervous auditioner. I have a great stage presence but I’m horrible at auditions and job interviews. I work best with a memorized script. Anyway it took me until my senior year to be really noticed in the drama dept, other than being known as the weird girl I guess. That’s not true, I don’t know that they called me the weird girl. It just felt like that was what they thought. Someone actually said it looked like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that may just be the face I make when I am straining to sort the voices out of the conversation so I can make sense of what people are saying.  New people, I’m deaf on the left.

Well, without further adieu, here is the classical monologue that’s landed me a supporting actress role of Yeye in the play Sarita.   Yes that’s right, I the freckled faced, fair-haired, Irish girl, was cast as a 13-year-old, tarot card reading, Cuban school girl, growing up with her best friend Sarita in New York in the thirties.  Yes, Cuban.  And I was awesome.

Madam Fickle  by Thomas  Durfey     Act IV, scene ii

Fickle:  Ha, ha ha,  ha–
That heaven should give man so proud a heart,
And yet so little knowledge–Silly creature,
That talks, and laughs, and kisses oft that hand
That steals away its reason as if nature
Had played the traitor and seduced the sex,
Without the aid of destiny, or women.
Ah, with what pleasant ease
The bird may be ensnared–  Set but a wanton look,
You catch whole convoys; nay there is magic
Pertaining to our sex, that draws ‘em in,
Though in the long vacation– and by heaven,
I am resolved to work my sly deceits
Till my revenge is perfect– Thus far I’ve done well,
And I’ll persevere in the mystery,
Wheedle ‘em to the snare with cunning plots;
Then bring it off with quick designing wit,
And quirks of dubious meaning.  Turn and wind
Like fox, in a storm, to pray on all,
And yet be thought a saint – Thus queen I’ll sit,
And hell shall laugh to see a woman’s wit.

I love that speech.

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Filed under Hearing Loss, Humor, story telling

I won! I won! I won!

Congratulate me adoring fans!  I am officially a 2012 NaNoWriMo winner!   50,005 words with 4 minutes to spare.

I feel like Kathy Palmer when she won the Rebecca Ryan contest!

Seriously I’ve been typing for about 18 hours straight now and my eyes kind of hurt.  So I will be napping now.

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Filed under Humor, Journal, Writing