I feel frozen. Paralyzed by the overwhelming sensation of “where do I begin”? Mentally paralyzed to the point that just sitting here typing this was a serious, serious effort on my part just to begin the activity.
The thoughts won’t slow down enough to put the pieces together. My kids won’t shut up long enough for me to have a complete thought let alone complete the many thoughts that are happening almost simultaneously. Like they are chasing each other around my brain.
I feel panicky. I’m taking my pulse but I can’t remember how to calculate the pulse. The rhythmic pumping of my vein feels odd under my fingertips but not alarmingly fast. Still, I think a Xanax is in order. It helps with the sensation that I’m about to jump out of my skin.
In the past 30 minutes I’ve had to get up at least 5 times to keep kids on homework. Breaks the flow of concentration.
I made a stop on the way home from work. A small building on the outer road of the highway. Once the building was a gas station but had been converted into a gold buying shop. I had been there once before to sell a men’s ring I had found in the street. I assume it was thrown out a car in the heat of argument or what have you. Today I was there to sell my own things. One ring was a marquee design of stacking tiny diamond chips that my mother had given me for one of my birthdays or perhaps a Christmas. I never liked it. More prongs than anything else. A thin gold band with an oval sapphire with two tiny diamond chips. It never looked right on my hand. Too small. A marquee sapphire ring I bought myself with one of my first paychecks, over twenty years ago. Diamond stud earrings. Again very tiny. A small solitaire ring. Only would fit my pinky which just never was comfortable. That’s the piece I now feel sick over losing. I only got $145 for the lot. At the time it made sense, I know I bounced a check to the daycare today, unintentionally but still. At least the check is covered. Of course they’ll be about $70 or $80 dollars in fees now between my bank and the daycare. And god knows what other repercussions from them. Now I feel robbed and I’m glad I kept what I did. I still haven’t taken the Xanax, the kids kept getting me up and down. Now I really feel panicky. Desperate times.
I need to start photographing and adding things to my Ebay inventory. We need to sell everything that isn’t nailed down. First thing a Mickey Mouse watch my father gave him that has never left the gift box. He doesn’t wear watches but for some reason has three or four. I will list them all. First I need to download the Ebay app.
Why is there an app for everything? There are so many you can’t count them all. There are too many choices. Too many choices is something that gives me the paralysing feeling also.
I just can’t do this.
Why not you’re doing fine.
Fine? I’m not fine. We’re in bankruptcy. We had no choice the medical bills were ridiculous. Dammit! Interrupted by kid again. I can’t, okay deep breaths… If we’re not careful we’ll mess up our bankruptcy plan. I just don’t know how to talk to him about this without tripping the bi-polar switch that leads to the dark side. And I let it happen. I let the papers just stack up around me. There’s so many papers. And the emails. I barely read the emails because there are so many junky ones to wade through. You can’t buy anything without some company emailing you forever after. It takes forever to unsubscribe to them.
And the school sends like a hundred papers home per kid, per week, in addition to emails from the principal, school board, orchestra teacher, home room teachers, librarian, PTO and a partridge in a pear tree. How do normal people do it?
Aren’t you normal?
No! Obviously not. Otherwise everyone would be in my situation. my situation is not the “norm”. Nor is my brain. I can’t explain calculating volume to my child in a way that he will understand it because my brain won’t let me. I can barely remember how to do it. I never need to calculate the volume of anything. What seems perfectly obvious to me is not obvious to him. It’s a flipping multiple choice question and he will not see the correlation to the problem underneath it. He will not see that they just don’t leave off the correct answer in the multiple choice format. And he keeps breaking my train of thought. I am so pissed off right now and I don’t even know why and I can’t get through to him and it is making me crazy.
I just served bread topped with tomato sauce, Italian seasoning and cheese for dinner. Baked it for 10 minutes and called it homemade pizza.
I’ve got a vegetable garden to plant so I can trim the food bill. A house to clean from top to bottom. Right now siding is falling away from the side of my house. Underneath I can see the old wood siding. We have new siding pieces to fix the problem but we need a second body to swing a hammer whilst on the ladder. I don’t do ladders. We can’t afford the deductible on the homeowners policy so we wait for a friend to become available. The retaining wall we’re building in front of the house is sitting unfinished because I can’t afford more bricks at present.
Why don’t you quit smoking, save some money there?
Have you ever tried to quit smoking. Smoking calms me down. Makes me feel sane for a short while. Right now that is worth the expense. Doctors bills are piling up, not sure if I can afford next months prescriptions. Smoking is self medicating. It could be worse I could be drinking.
I’ve been giving up high fructose corn syrup. But I’ve also been losing by fasting sort of. I drink a lot of water and tea. I’m eating about one high calorie meal mid day or just some bread and milk. Mostly because I want to make sure the boys are fed properly before I eat. I’m about to give in to the sweet fizzy taste of Wild Cherry Pepsi though. I’m hoping it will ease the stress.
I could really use some chocolate right now.
Sometimes I wish I were totally deaf so I could block out all the distracting noises. The four year old won’t eat the pizza toast. Lucky for him there are two slices of american cheese and still enough bread for a sandwich. Payday is Friday. We can make it. We just have to be creative. Mmmm Pepsi. I remember before kids, sometimes I would just cook all the random stuff I could find in the fridge and pantry. So there would be meals like corn bread, corn, au gratin potatoes and whatever else I could find. It’s getting to that point.
I’m starting to get a bit hungry. There are dishes to do and I should do a load of laundry. And I should bake something for tomorrow’s breakfast. A piece of bread, a glass of milk and a spoonful of honey sounds good.
Yes it was good.
I really need to do the taxes. I really need to write that book. I need to clean the house. I need to make extra money. God I’m so tired. I just caved on cello practicing.
I really don’t want to bake right now. I have a long day ahead of me at work tomorrow. It will go fast. We’re having a cookout so at least my lunch is covered.
At minimum I’m going to have to do some laundry. I have to wear a team shirt tomorrow.
Try and focus.
I don’t want to focus, I want to watch TV and veg out.
Isn’t that what put you in this situation?
Shut up. You don’t understand. Being mesmerized by the story on the TV or in a book, it’s the only time I feel relaxed. The rest of the time I am continuously on edge. Like now.
You can only block out the world for so long you know.
Oh really? Well the way I figure it, if we are all part of the one consciousness and this life is all a dream, then the world does not really exist. So what does it matter what I do or when I die if it doesn’t exist in the first place? That’s what gnaws at me. The ridiculousness of this reality. There is nothing that makes sense. Not really. Not in the grand scheme of the universe where you a mere speck of star dust in an infinite ocean of black.
It’s the next evening now. I’ve been home almost two hours but haven’t been able to accomplish much, a little editing. I’ve most likely alienated my audience by asking for their spare change.
I’m going to put off the taxes until Saturday. After a 10 hour day like today I am just not in the mood. I work the same shift tomorrow. I want to put the boys to bed early so I can go to bed. At the same time I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to watch TV and veg out. Not think about anything for like an hour. My back is killing me. It’s only 8:30. I have to be at work in a little less than 12 hours.
You should lie down.
I’m going to lie down.